Thanksgiving and Trials

 This year for Thanksgiving we were urged by our government leaders to only eat with the people in our own household. THIS WAS HARD! It was hard for so many reasons. I found myself jealous of others who spent time with family that weekend, I missed my parents and Mom and Dad P and Neil and Rebecca and Sam and Jared. We ended up having a nice day anyway, but I think the hardest part was feeling like we might not get to spend Christmas together. I have long had a problem of borrowing tomorrows problems. I worry constantly about what if? When the kids were little I worried that if I rocked them to sleep they would develop a bad habit and they would need to be rocked until they are 30. I worried that if I let them drink soda they would never want water again. I worry now about so many things too. We have been having some really hard times in our house right now. Alana's anxiety has gotten so out of control lately. Around Thanksgiving, she was being so inconsistent about drinking her apple juice medicine cocktail. She would just get bits of a dosage here and there and I felt like it was just making things worse. She was starting to feel more pressure and stress from actually drinking the juice and Sean and I were feeling like it just wasn't working anymore. I already feel like I have to nag her to do so many things right now. I have to bug her to get dressed and brush her hair (tasks that may seem simple but are incredibly difficult for Alana with her sensory processing issues). So we decided to be done with medicine for now and try therapy. Sean was able to schedule a therapy session through a telehealth service. The therapist was really nice and told us that she felt like Alana needed a full mental evaluation from a place like primary children's and then she needed play therapy. With her age, telehealth just wasn't the best option. I tried calling Primary Children's and their play therapy is paused right now because of covid. They are also 6 months out on evaluations. Sean didn't really feel like a full evaluation was really going to help a ton. He was feeling like labeling what she is going through with a diagnosis isn't as important as figuring out how to help her. The online therapist wondered if Alana was struggling because she might fall on the autistic spectrum but everything I have researched about that points us away from that. I don't care what label she has, I just want to help her! Primary Children's recommended a place called the Anxiety and OCD Treatment Center. I called them and they sound like a really great program. They scheduled her for an intake evaluation next week but told me they would most likely recommend their intensive outpatient program which is 3 hours a day monday through friday for as long as needed. I felt so overwhelmed by that. Sean had given us blessings a few weeks ago as all this struggling really started. In my blessing I was told that miracles will happen and that I just need to trust in the Lord and his plan. I have been constantly reminding myself that I need to trust Him. He has a plan and it will all be ok. I worry that she won't ever be able to wear clothes again. I worry that she won't ever want to go back to school and won't be able to because her she can't stand clothes and shoes. I have been trying so hard to do all I can and then place the rest of the burden on my Savior, and ask Him to help me not worry so much but to trust. As the days went on after I scheduled the intake, her anxiety just grew and grew. We aren't really able to do our lessons because she is falling apart and crying constantly. She is so irritable with Brett and Lizzie and she just feels miserable most of the time. Its heartbreaking. I started to feel like she wasn't going to be able to make any progress with therapy because she was just too anxious to even try. She is extremely clingy to Sean and I and I couldn't really imagine her working through anything with a stranger right now. I also have 2 other kids and can't sit in therapy for 3 hours every day with her while she gets used to being there. I know I can ask for help, but it just started to feel like the wrong direction. As the days went on and the anxiety got worse, it became pretty clear that the medication was providing a lot of help. Sean spoke with her about taking medicine vs. therapy and after a good conversation she decided she wanted to learn to swallow a pill. She has been horrified of this for a long time and has refused to try. My initial feeling was one of doubt. I doubted she would ever be able to swallow a  pill. But I keep reminding myself that miracles happen, God is in charge, He loves her and she is His daughter, and I just have to trust Him. I canceled the therapy for right now and Sean helped her come up with some little steps to take to work up to swallowing a pill. We have been working on swallowing whipped cream and sprinkles with water (she wouldn't even swallow a sprinkle last year when we tried so that's a miracle in itself) She has been trying different sizes of sprinkles all week and we got some pill coating stuff that makes the pill taste like strawberry. One of her fears is having the pill in her mouth for too long and tasting it so the coating with hopefully help. Last night she swallowed a sprinkle with the coating on it. Our next step is to try half a pill when she is ready. We are trying so hard to be patient and let her decide how quickly she wants to move. She is making progress and we are so so proud. She gets little rewards each time she takes another step like getting takeout from a restaurant she likes or picking a movie. She picked a larger toy that she earns once she actually swallows the pill. This past week has been the most difficult by far. Every time we have to change clothes is excruciating for her. I spend hours just sitting in her room while she is snuggled in a blanket crying. We have found that rubbing lotion into her feet and wrestling with Daddy, snuggling, singing songs to her, and eating chocolate have helped. Last night she spent 3 hours trying to find something she could wear. Sean sat with her then I sat with her. I don't make her change very much right now, but we do have to wash her clothes every now and then. I watched her fall asleep crying as she struggled with feeling so uncomfortable. It is heartbreaking! I came down to a brownie sundae from Letherbees that a neighbor felt prompted to bring us. It touched my heart so much.  Mom P brought us some different detergents to try on her clothes that will hopefully help them be softer. Mom Z and Mom P are always there to listen when I need to vent. Brett has been a complete angel as he helps his sisters and me and comforts me when I am spent. 

Here's Alana after she finally fell asleep last night:

The brownie sundae from Nick Ellis 

Back to Thanksgiving, I'll share some fun pictures. I spent the month trying to post on social media something I was grateful for each day and I feel like it really helped me focus on my Savior and feel more unified with those around me. President Nelson challenged us a week before Thanksgiving to post each day about gratitude and it was incredible to see so many people share gratitude as opposed to posting political opinions or complaints about life. 

My Mom and Dad made turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes and gravy, and sweet potatoes. We made rolls and green beans and we did a trade, then ate together over FaceTime. The kids were so excited to use the fancy glasses which was a lot of fun!! 

We got our our tree and decorated it!

The switch wasn't working downstairs and Sean and the kids wanted to do a Mario Party so they set it up in our room and snuggled on the bed.

We did a puzzle (mostly Brett)

Picking up food and loving this new sign above my mom's pantry

Facetime

Watching the Santa Clause Thanksgiving night

Another hard thing that has been going on is my Mom has had some complications from her gastric bypass. She had gastric bypass 2 months ago and started to develop some pretty intense pain in her stomach about a week before Thanksgiving. She went to the doctor and they did blood work and an x-ray and neither showed anything so she had to do a CT scan. The scan showed a large hematoma on the outside of her stomach. They went in to drain it with a needle but it was too thick so she had a drain put in and they pulled out 2 cups of liquid. She was in so much pain! They finally took the drain out yesterday, almost a week after the procedure and she is finally starting to feel a bit better. Poor lady! It is so hard to watch her suffer. 

We made a little cake in Alanas oven and it was yummy

Oreo has an advent calendar and is loving it. Lizzie's excitement for Christmas and counting down has been so much fun! 

Brett got his very first haircut at a salon. I felt out of my league with his longer hair so I took him to Great Clips. They did a great job and he looks so handsome!

The kids are always putting blankets on Oreo or Oreo is always finding blankets to snuggle to =)

Brett and Alana helped us put together our Christmas cards this year which was so so helpful. We went on a family walk yesterday to put the cards the mail and deliver some neighbor gifts. 

We took the kids to the dollar store and let them go wild buying presents for each other and grandparents. It was so fun to see their thoughtfulness and I am excited to see what surprises they got that I didn't get to see. Alana found some tennis balls for Oreo. She left them on the floor in her room while she was wrapping and he snuck in and found them. I took them away but he was obsessed and wouldn't stop looking for them. We decided to let him have one and he had the best time ripping it to shreds. Then she hid the other on her desk. But he snuck in the next morning when I was in the shower and destroyed that one too =)

We went to the Christmas in Color show and loved it!

The advent treats for Oreo are so cute!

We decided that hour long visits with grandparents are totally ok and we visited my Mom and Dad and Seans Mom and Dad last weekend. 

I picked up my Christmas gift from work and it was the most generous thing ever! They gave me a gorgeous minky blanket, chocolates, a company t shirt, and a card with $150 bonus and $100 shop credit! I felt so so spoiled. We have all enjoyed the new blanket and I bought 3 new pairs of shoes with my bonus =) 

I love our tree so much!

Homeschool has been plugging along. Lizzie is doing so well and she was so excited to pack these sleighs with letters and numbers. She hung it on her door to show Santa how she is learning. 

Brett has started doing duo lingo and is learning tons of Spanish!

Alana has been having a hard time doing her lessons, so we've gotten creative. She is jumping on sight words and reading them as she jumps in this picture. 

Oreo got some Christmas bandanas and he is so cute!