Forgotten

So here’s the thing, sometimes I have bad days.  Do you sometimes have bad days?  This week I feel like I had several, but 2 really bad ones in particular.  The worst part was I couldn’t put my finger on any of what was really making me upset.  I would try to blame my mood on Brett and how he is almost 2 and sometimes he is exhausting, but then I would say it out loud and I knew it wasn’t true.  He is difficult to parent sometimes because being a parent is hard, but I love being his mommy and love spending my days with him.  I would try to blame it on pregnancy and am probably fairly correct, I have been ridiculously emotional and I had a UTI for a month that made me feel miserable and I am a little nervous about becoming a mother of 2 and I remembered childbirth the other day which wasn’t the best idea.  But Deedee couldn’t have been the reason for the bad mood either because I am seriously so excited to have a little girl and I think Brett will be a great brother.  Also I have been feeling her move so much more which makes me so happy.    (Slight tangent here:  I hate feeling guilty for being exhausted from my 2 year old and scared to have a newborn simply because I am blessed to have them.  I am super super blessed and I will be the first one to yell it from the rooftops that I have an awesome son and perfect little angel growing inside me, but that doesn’t make it easier when Brett is crying because his car doesn’t have break lights or his train track fell apart or he won’t sleep so he’s exhausted and i’m a little exhausted too because I am growing a human inside me!)  So then I tried to blame  my mood on Sean.  He works a lot and third year of medical school is kinda hard, or rather really hard.  Still I would tell myself that he isn’t gone as much as some other husbands are and at least when he is home he is super helpful.  Well I learned that comparing only made me feel worse because then I felt like I shouldn’t be having a hard time taking care of my house and child all by myself for 10 hours a day.  I also probably shouldn’t be dreading the 12 hour shifts coming next week, which don’t include study time.  Yes I know some husbands work more than mine, but that doesn’t make my situation not hard-its hard to me!  Then when all these reasons didn’t really make sense for my bad mood I started thinking that I would probably just feel better if I lived in Utah, plus I REALLY wanted to eat at the Old Spaghetti Factory.  But living in Utah would not solve anything.  Sean would still be working and I would still have Brett and all the other responsibilities I have.  And you may be surprised, but I am actually growing to love a lot of things about Albuquerque.  So then I blamed my extended family, but that didn’t work because they are all so kind and helpful.  After sobbing for the better part of the day and crying on my mom’s and Sean’s shoulders I started to realize that as a mother I sometimes feel a little forgotten.  I wake up every morning and hope to get a quick shower before my toddler wakes up.  I eat my breakfast with a little boy tugging on my hand saying “Mom done!”  I play with cars and blocks and trains and have my entire schedule dictated to me by a 2 year old.  I listen to books on tape to help keep the silence from seeping in.  I go to tons of stores every week to keep our house stocked with milk, apples, green chills, and every other little thing a husband, baby and pregnant lady could want.  I check Facebook way too often hoping for some sensational news in someone else’s life.  I try and fail daily to keep our small apartment super clean and organized.  I make friends who all seem to move away.  I try to read the scriptures, but can never truly get into a great rhythm with it.  I put a little man down for his nap everyday and pray that he will sleep long enough so that I can have a break and so he feels rested.  I ration milk.  I change diapers.  I wash diapers.  I fold diapers.  I change sheets.  I wash sheets.  I fold sheets.  I wash clothes and fold clothes and put them away.  I make menus and grocery lists and cook dinners.  I make scrapbooks no one looks at.  I attempt craftiness but usually find it too time consuming and expensive.  I do a lot that never seems to be noticed by anyone.  I feel a little forgotten.  So you can imagine that I was feeling pretty miserable when all of that was what I was focusing on.  That does sound a little dreadful!

Right before Brett went to bed Sean suggested we watch his birthday movie that I made for him last year.  In one of the first scenes when Brett is placed in my arms for the first time and I am holding him and adoring him, I realized that I was forgetting who notices and who doesn’t forget.  Brett notices how I play with him and dance with him and take him to the zoo.  He notices how I make sure he has a clean diaper and make sure his toys are kept nice.  He notices when I let him help me cook or when we go on adventures to the park.  He notices everything I do and he thinks I am wonderful.  He walks through the house calling for mommy and wondering what I am up to because he wants to be with me all the time.  He tries to put my makeup on every morning and he makes sure we have matching shoes (sandals or sock and shoes).  He adores me just the way I adore him.  I realized in that little moment that I have the best job in the world and even though I had been feeling forgotten, I will never be forgotten in the eyes of my children or my husband or my Father.  Heavenly Father also sees all that I do and I am not forgotten to him and never ever will be.  So that is the lesson I learned this week.  I am not forgotten.  

Here is a link to the movie.